I’m holding the world to ransom,
With a virus found in my doner kebab.
Here is the full list of my demands,
To be met before I get mad !
I demand a cure for male pattern baldness,
I want a reduction to my pension age.
Colourful murals on bland city walls,
Plus a job that pays an exorbitant wage.
I want gold to be found at the rainbow’s end,
I’d love a beautiful red sky every night.
Every other day must always be Saturday
Beer for a pound and a barmaid whose polite
I’d like a unicorn stabled in every garage,
I want a fat Cheshire cat for every lap.
Kindle books sold at a reasonable price,
And in my bath Drew Barrymore ready on tap
I demand you burn down my old school,
I want chips that make you lose weight.
All phones must be switched off in cinemas,
In supermarket queues I shouldn’t have to wait.
If you can’t meet these demands then I’ll settle,
For these two simple things instead.
A crisp dry pint of tasty real ale,
And a soft pillow to rest my weary head.