The scene is the local tavern
Where boozing are Peter and Ryan.
Who tonight both can be found,
Terribly drunk on red wine.
They are having an argument
Peter claims Ryan’s a virgin.
Ryan defends his honour,
Peter says he’s full of wind.
Ryan takes offense at the slur
He wobbles to his feet.
Looking unsteadily at Peter
Who struggles to rise from his seat.
Ryan opens his mouth wide,
His eyes angry and red.
”Peter I have something to say,
So pin back your ears to your head.
Peter your wife’s a scarlet woman,
She has been unfaithful to you!
One marvellous wild night with me,
Plus one with the orchestra from Crewe!”
”Ryan you have gone too far sir,
When you slander my wife that way.”
”Peter open your ears man,
Don’t be deaf to what I say.
She has a meter on her bed,
She is a tuppenny whore.
She is unfaithful to you sir,
Her bedroom has a revolving door!”
”My god Ryan I demand satisfaction.”
”Ironically Peter that’s what your wife said!”
“I challenge you to a duel Ryan you cur,
Where I’m going to shoot you dead.”
Next day the sun rose bright and early
As the two ex-friends met up.
But as the pistols were loaded,
Suddenly Peter’s wife turned up.
”Oh don’t die over me,” she cried,
“My life is not worth a dime.”
Peter yes I’ve been unfaithful,
But I thought of you each time.”
These words enraged Peter,
Who aimed his pistol sight.
And let off a dastardly shot,
Which killed his tearful wife.
Ryan shook his head,
Then while Peter wasn’t looking.
Turned upon his heels,
And into the wood went running.
Peter reloaded his pistol,
Wondering why people laughed.
Then he realised that Ryan,
Was running away down the path.
Peter took careful aim at Ryan,
Then pulling the trigger shot him dead.
It was all agreed a superb shot,
A veritable triumph in lead.
The crowd cheered happily and wildly,
None thought Ryan’s death sad or cruel.
For surely they said death’s inevitable,
When two people fight a duel.
Peter walked over to Ryan,
Who in best melodrama tradition.
Was dying of a mortal wound,
But still able to give exposition.
Ryan looked up at Peter,
“Of my death you sir can brag.
But I will not deny one thing
Your wife was a very good shag!”
Peter looked rather sad,
As Ryan convulsed and died.
“Oh Ryan we could still be friends,
If only you would have lied.”
Ryan opened his eyes,
“Peter I’m not quite dead yet.”
Peter seemed annoyed at this,
So shot Ryan again in the head.
Now on a hill stand two graves
Everyday Peter visits them.
On them red roses he lays,
And if you happen upon him
As he pays his daily respects
Then you just might hear
His sighed words of regret.
“My wife, my love I miss you
More than life itself.
I didn’t mean to shoot you
I couldn’t help myself.
And Ryan you have shown me
The terrible dangers of drink.
Why did I challenge you to a duel?
I just really didn’t think.”
Then to the tavern Peter walks away
Tears clouding his eyes,
Tumbling all down his face
As he drowns his memories with red wine.