The Thin Girl with a Box of Doughnuts


A brief burst of sunny weather in Birmingham yesterday bought the crowds out and with crowds always come ideas for poems. I saw the inspiration for todays poem at the bus stop on my way home and by the time I reached my front door this poem was bouncing around in my head.

The thin girl with a box of doughnuts
I wonder if
Sugar glaze
Has ever passed her lips?
Or saturated fat
Has ever threatened her hips?

The thin girl with a box of doughnuts
Is it true
That to you Vanilla cream
Is Body Shop shampoo?
And Blueberry cream
Merely the colour of your new shoes?

 

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Cyberpunk 2020


Cyberpunk 2020 was one of my favourite games and thanks to Robert Ramsey and his tweets I was inspired to write this tribute to it ( the format of this poem is openly stolen from the great Vic Reeves song, ” I remember punk rock.)

 

I remember Cyberpunk 2020
Like it was only yesterday.
Microchips in my head
In that very special way.

Yes I remember Cyberpunk 2020
From R. Talsorian games.
Lots of mad techy ways
To hack,slash or maim.

Oh that Cyberpunk 2020
And it’s gritty world view.
Limbs replaced with cybertech
And a digital eye or two.

Oh I loved that Cyberpunk 2020
Arasaka, Millitech and Trauma team
Netrunners, fixers and rockerboys
And Euro Business Machines.

I really miss Cyberpunk 2020
It made other RPG’s seem tame.
And I miss the anticipation
Of those weekend cyberpunk games.

The Terms and Conditions of Life


I really have no idea where the inspiration for this poem came from, I suppose all the loan shark adverts and similar rubbish that I have seen lodged in my head until there was no more room ( a quick process ) and came tumbling out in the form of this poem.

 

Be aware that terms and conditions apply,
The value of your life can go up or down.
Take note your sanity could be at risk
If you don’t read all the small print now.
We courteously remind you the life you have
Is expected to last you a whole lifetime.
And it’s absolutely 99% guaranteed
To suit you absolutely 99% of the time.
You may find your life is constrictive
You may find that it gives you a rash
This is a natural period of breaking in
You should adjust to your life quite fast.

And remember….

The management reserve the right to
Change all terms and conditions.
No exchange or refund will be offered
If you think part of your life is missing.

Commuting


It will come as no surprise that as I spend a lot of time on the bus going backwards and forwards to work I get a lot of ideas for poems while doing so. As my memory isn’t what it used to be I have taken to generating some strange looks as when an idea flashes across my cortex I reach for my note-book and scribble it down.

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As you can see its hard to write neatly when commuting so here is the finished and readable version.

The window seat’s a keeper
For the traveling sleeper
Their head a nodding
And their body lolling
The bus shakes them
But it can’t wake them
As with an iPod on
They’re well gone
Forgetting the rat race
Briefly in a better place.

I’m Going on a Beer Hunt


Last night before she went to sleep I read my daughter the excellent children’s poem
We’re going on a bear hunt, ” by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury.

After my daughter had fallen asleep I found the words of the poem were still going round in my head then before I knew what was happening I had started to write the following parody.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh a queue
A queue at the bar
I can’t go round it
I can’t go under it
I’ll have to go through it.

Push, shove, push shove, push shove.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh the pubs crowded
The pubs very crowded
I can’t stand here
I can’t stand there
I’ll have to go to the beer garden.

Balance glass, negotiate door, balance glass, negotiate door.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh wasps
Nasty little wasps.
I can’t go round them
I can’t go through them
I’ll have to be violent to them.

Ineffectual swat, ineffectual swat

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh rain
It’s stating to rain.
I can’t go round it
I can’t go though it
I’ll have to just wait for it to stop.

Get wet, get wetter, get wet, get wetter.

I’m going on a beer hunt
I’m going to drink a big one
What a beautiful day
Let’s get drunk.

Uh-oh my glass is empty
I’ll have to go to the bar,

Back through the rain, get wet, get wetter.
Back through the wasps, ineffectual swat, ineffectual swat.
Back through the pub door, Balance glass, negotiate door, balance glass negotiate door.
Back through the queue, push, shove, push,shove

Pay for pint
Notice time
Down pint in one
Run for bus
Travel home while
Fighting urge to urinate.

I’m never going on a beer hunt again.
Until tomorrow