The Secret Life of Pistachios

To sit down and attempt to write a poem about pistachios
Is really a lot harder than you might suppose.
As they’re not that exciting, they just sit still and grow,
Only moving if the wind around them blows.
Because exciting things don’t happen to pistachios you know.

No, never has a super villain with oily black moustachios,
Fiendishly hijacked the world’s supply of pistachios.
Remaining unchallenged until a nut loving hero arose,
Who defeated the dastardly villain with some superb judo.
Because these things don’t happen to pistachios you know.

At no point did macadamia lovers invent a crazy gizmo,
That would vaporise instantly every single pistachio.
Enabling their snack rival to be completely deposed,
So the world would have to eat only the nuts they chose.
Because nothing bizarre happens to pistachios you know.

The news has never broadcast that all pistachios,
Were accidentally to deadly radiation exposed.
Causing nut lovers to glow then fall like dominoes
Leaving their dead bodies in the streets to decompose.
Because pistachios aren’t the stuff of sci-fi you know.

So I’m left with nothing interesting to write about pistachios,
Except to make up a lot of right nonsense I suppose.
While waiting for something cool about them to show,
Then an epic poem about these mighty nuts I can compose.
Because one day something exciting will happen to pistachios.

Fair Acre Press and the Maligned Species project


Independent publishers Fair Acre Press recently closed their Maligned Species poetry project and I imagine as you read that sentence you are starting to wonder why am I writing about it.

Firstly I wanted to bring Fair Acre to your attention because they are an interesting publishing house often having intriguing ideas and competitions, so if you are a writer or poet they are certainly worth keeping an eye on.

Secondly I am proud to say one of my poems entitled “50 Shades of Grey Squirrels” will be published by them when that part of the Maligned Species project hits ebook stands. Even better news is that for every ebook sold Fair Acre will donate money to an ecological good cause so if you buy their books not only do you get a great read but you’re helping charity as well. What’s stopping you, the Spider ebook is available here.

National Libraries Day – the day after

cannock library

Yesterday I was lucky enough to be involved in the local celebration of National Libraries Day, as myself and other members of the Walsall Poetry Society took part in Cannock Litfest. This was a great event where local poets, historians, authors and illustrators gathered to meet the public and each other to talk about their work.

I had a table where I could display the second edition of my current poetry book and chat to interested folks as they came to browse.

national libraries day my display

To say the day was busy would be an understatement as I juggled selling books, holding an impromptu poetry workshop on Frozen and meeting the other attendees. I really enjoyed the day and just want to say thanks to Cannock Library for inviting myself and other Walsall Poetry Society members.

And we made the paper, click here.

Kam 4 Tony B 4 Eva


Kam 4 Tony B 4 eva
Sprayed on an underpass wall.
Love so boldly declared,
With a vandal’s scrawl.

Kam 4 Tony B 4 eva,
Does either of them know.
Of this spray painted statement,
That has put their love on show.

Kam 4 Tony B 4 eva,
Will people cry?
If they separate
Before the paint is dry.


Based on an actual piece of graffiti I used to see until the council recently painted over it.

The Theatre Cloud’s Loneliness project seeks poets


I’m always on the look out for interesting poetry competitions and the free one from Theatre Cloud entitled Loneliness is just too interesting not to share.

Here’s the blurb from the site.

In this creative project, we want you to write a POEM or a short duologue ABOUT LONELINESS. You might be inspired to write about a character in Steinbeck’s novel. You may want to reflect on your own life or experience you’ve had, you may find inspiration from a friend or something you’ve seen on the news. 

We want you to write something honest but playful  and from the heart.

Although the theme is LONELINESS, we’re encouraging you to think about the many themes that relate to this in Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men: friendship, isolation, innocence, freedom, justice, violence, prejudice, age, race, masculinity,  femininity and vulnerability, economic hardship and the struggle to survive.”

Read more here

It’s very easy to submit a poem and there are some great ones already uploaded,

Here’s mine.

If you do submit a poem or have already done so please leave a link in the comments, and if you are entering good luck.


Saga Louts

Saga lout

We are the grey haired army,
Abroad and on the lash again.
Walking sticks and lagers ready,
We wobble off ships and planes.

We’ve got our kids inheritance,
We’ve cashed in our pensions.
We’re getting obscene tattoos,
In places you shouldn’t mention.

Hopping in and out of hotel beds,
Laughing as we trash cruise ships.
Playing naked oily Twister,
Ignoring our dodgy arthritic hips.

Bill has only got one kidney,
Doris has a new glass eye.
But there’s no stopping us,
If some cheap sangria we spy.

We’ll riot as we drink the lot,
Pogo dance all through the night.
Shovel down kebab and chips,
Vomit it up, then have a fight.

Then when the holiday’s over,
We stagger home a little slower.
Our only holiday souvenirs,
Sunburn and hangovers.


I think I want to be a Saga Lout when I retire.

Free poetry workshop at Pelsall library

Pelsall Library - internal shot

This Friday – January 22nd – Walsall Poetry Society are holding a free poetry workshop at Pelsall Library.

The workshop starts at 10:15 am and is expected to run for around two hours. The theme of the event is about enjoying, writing and performing poetry with attendees getting the chance to write their own poems during the morning.

Details on where to find Pelsall Library can be found by clicking this link

So if that sounds like fun contact Pelsall Library to book a place, their phone number can be found in the link above. I’ll be one of the organisers so hope to see you there.

If you are a local poet why not submit work to Walsall Poetry Society’s forthcoming book, click here to learn more.