On the ninth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the ninth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing.

I told the postman for todays delivery I wouldn’t sign
But thought of my ex true-love so had to resign.
And I pondered is this gift a comment on my two left feet,
Because when it came to dancing I couldn’t compete.
With my ex true-loves elegant waltz and Foxtrot,
While I staggered to keep up like a punch-drunk boxer.
As for the nine ladies they’re in the garden leaping around
If anybody stops to watch then I charge them a pound.
I thought any cash raised by this might go some way
To paying for seed for all my gifted feathery strays.

On the eigth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the eighth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Eight maids a milking

When I saw todays arrival wasn’t birds I sighed with relief,
And put my new guests to work cleaning my sheets,
Hoovering up feathers and bits of sticky egg-shell.
So my home might look like heaven not an avian hell.
Now my ex true-love always liked the house to be clean
And since she’s left I haven’t been tidy, but I mean
Does she think it needs eight people to clean this house ?
And whats with the milking, should I expect eight cows ?
I went to bed that night wondering what was in store
And whether tomorrow I should answer the door.

On the seventh day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the seventh day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Seven swans a swimming.

Oh come on now I thought my ex is having a laugh
As seven swans turned up in an old tin bath.
The garden is nearly full, birds are just not my thing
I wonder should I give the local zoo a ring ?
And why on earth send me seven swans ?
My brain is struggling with what’s going on !
Wikipedia states that swans mate for life
I’m not sure if that’s a hint from my ex I should like !
The swans were getting frisky, do they mean me harm
I mean I’ve heard they could break your arm !

On the sixth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me….

On the sixth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Six geese a laying.

 

Again more birds from my love that was once true
But has she not heard of the peril of avian flu ?
And what’s the significance that these geese are laying
Could it be that she’s pregnant my ex true-love is saying ?
Am I going to be a father, will a child one day call me dad ?
These bizarre gifts from my ex are driving me mad !
I decided to settle the geese in the garden with my other new pets
As I wondered what on earth would turn up next.
I should have concentrated as I nearly broke my leg
As on top of my garden steps one goose had laid an egg.

On the fifth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the fifth day of christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Five gold rings.

 

I uttered a silent prayer when no birds appeared at my door
As my current menagerie had made my garden an eye sore.
You couldn’t see my lawn for feathers, nests and bird poo
But I hadn’t time to clean it as I’d some pondering to do.
With this gift of rings what can my ex true-love mean ?
Could it be a reminder of our five wedded years, possibly ?
Or maybe these rings have a darker meaning. Of course !
Has my ex been married five more times since our divorce ?
I realised I’d no time to spend on further deep thoughts
As the birds had escaped onto a nearby golf course  !

On the fourth day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me….

On the fourth day of christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Four calling birds.

I awoke and at my front door there was a riot of squawking
On opening it I found four birds had come calling.
Each one had a little message tag round its neck
But was hard to read them without getting a peck.
I made out , ” Oh my ex darling do you like these gifts ?
There’s eight more to come, do you get the drift ? “
I didn’t really have much time to ponder on all that
As out in the garden the birds were bullying a cat.
And as I separated the combatants with a struggle
I hoped tomorrows gift wouldn’t be so much trouble.

On the third day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

On the third day of Christmas my ex true -love sent to me
Three French hens.

Now I am not going to sit on the fence
But I’m not the biggest fan of the French.
And more birds I thought but don’t look for negatives
At least some mornings I can enjoy fresh eggs.
I didn’t have much time to dwell on that
As I had to rescue the partridge from next door’s cat.
I should have had the lot stuffed there and then
But of my ex true-love I was dreaming again.
I should have realised all these birds were a clue
But what is a fool falling back in love to do ?

On the second day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me…

 

On the second day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
Two turtle doves.

Hmmm I pondered my face starting to smile
Perhaps my ex wishes that we should reconcile ?
Then as I examined my gift more closely
I noticed the doves didn’t seem very friendly.
One had a nasty scar, the other a broken leg
And a bandage wrapped around its head.
Then I swear that while I was watching
These ” sweet ” doves started arguing !
I decided like my ex and I they will have to learn to get on !
So along with the partridge they’re now in the garden.

On the first day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me….

Everyday from now till Boxing day I will be posting a verse of my take on the twelve days of christmas, I hope you enjoy it.

On the first day of Christmas my ex true-love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.

To tell you the truth I wasn’t expecting my ex to send me much,
I mean since our bitter divorce we’ve hardly kept in touch.
Maybe with this gift they are hoping to make some amends ?
Or they think it’s the season to bring past bitterness to an end ?
The partridge happily sitting in its tree looked very sweet
And greeted me with a very chirpy cheep !
I thought this was a very nice gift to provide
And put it proudly in the garden outside.
If I’d have known then the trouble about to come my way
I might have hidden away for the next twelve days !

Chips and Pills

I dug this poem out of the archive , god knows what was going through my mind when I wrote it ? Answers on the back of a postcard or in the comments section!

 

I’ll eat nothing but chips and pills,
It’s the latest dieting craze.
Guaranteed your weight falls off,
Or you’ll be refunded in thirty days.

I’m now living on chips and pills,
It’s not a GP recommended diet.
But for me it’s the only way,
To keep the gossips quiet.

I vomit nothing but chips and pills,
As part digested sodden bile.
But I can’t change my diet now,
My stomach’s just too fragile.

If I died eating chips and pills,
Their chemical tang on my lips.
They’ll put me in my grave slim,
Not an ounce of fat on my hips.